It has now been almost three years since my greatest life challenge and most painful experience began. July 1,2016, will mark the three year anniversary of my daughter’s transition from a loving human being to a loving angel. I have come a long way in those three years and have much much more to learn and to experience ahead of me. It is not something I look forward to since I know it will continue to be painful. But,it is a necessary part of my journey. You see, with this pain has come enlightenment. I never dreamed I could survive anything like this. I never intended to, but fate had other plans. I could easily tell you about the pain and agony that goes along with something like this, but I think that would not serve the purpose here. Rather, I would like to tell you what I have gained from my loss. I am not trying to sound courageous and noble, although others have said so. I am just trying to be real.
I would give anything to have my daughter back with me in this physical world, but I know intellectually that is not likely to happen. So, I concentrate on what is happening and what is likely to continue to happen.
Since Christy’s death, I have come to realize that life does go on. My parents have since left this world, as well as our loving dog, Katya. Each loss has been significant to me in it’s own way. Each represented a special, loving relationship that I found incredibly valuable and still do! I carry the precious memories and will continue to do so, always.
At first, I read everything I could get my hands on about the Afterlife from near death experiences to Psychic Mediums. I went through the gamut of literature, and groups, online and in bookstores. Hoping to understand where my loved ones were and how to reach them. I was raised Catholic, but had not been affiliated with it for a long time, as over the years, I had discovered so much more to Spiritualism. So many different perspectives of religions and beliefs that I no longer felt the need to belong to any one particular group but rather the collective whole. I felt I had developed a deep relationship with the Universe.
I started to attend Afterlife Conferences to gain a better understanding. I traveled to Virginia Beach VA and Scottsdale AZ to attend these on weekends. I received a lot of information. Some of it very useful and amazing, and some of it, not so much. I had to learn to take what resonated with me and leave the rest. This was a learning experience in itself in determining what resonated with me while trying to keep an open mind.
I was led to workshops and classes and reputable Psychic Mediums. I had many readings with different Mediums with a great deal of success in connecting with my loved ones again. I was amazed by what they knew of my loved ones and could verify so much information! (Mind you, I had never gone to a Psychic or Medium prior to Christy’s death.) My only prior knowledge of it was through reading near death accounts. I received so much comfort and faith from these Mediums messages that I slowly came to believe it was real and that I could really continue my relationship with my loved ones, even after death! Just in a different form! Spiritually.
I also looked at what was outside of me that might help me through this difficult time. We (my husband and I) joined a Survivor’s of Suicide group, met some wonderful people and to this day enjoy their loving friendship. We meet once a month for dinner as a small intimate group sharing our joys and sorrows with each other. It has been a beacon of light during some very dark times. I for which I am very grateful for.
Next,I looked into Helping Parents Heal, a support group for Parents who have lost children through death of all ages. I learned about the deep sorrows we all carry and how much suffering and pain there is in this world. But, I also learned about unconditional support and love and empathy. I found I could be a help to others who were hurting as deeply as me.
Through my new form of connection with Christy, I felt compelled to write this blog detailing her pain, struggles and loss in the hope of helping others who suffered. I received many uplifting communications and emails from those it had touched thanking me for sharing, because they could relate and it helped them in some way, whether it was as a family member or the person directly affected by Mental Illness, Chronic pain or Suicide. I am most grateful to them for letting me know, as I really wasn’t so sure I wanted to expose her life so publicly.